High Spirits

There comes a point in your life where you feel like time has completely stopped in your life but everyone else are still bustling and moving in a linear trajectory forward in theirs and weirdly, that wasn't the first time you've experienced it.

Déjà vu.

It was an incredibly slow Thursday at work and I was twitching on my seat feeling a tad restless & out of touch after a week in Japan. In need of a distraction, I went onto twitter and there were threads of people talking about how they received emails from the fc saying that they'll reveal something important at 5pm JPT so be sure to check back then. Everyone went into a frenzy mode because what could be so important to announce in such a cryptic way on a Thursday late afternoon, right? I was on edge the entire time waiting for time to hit 5pm JPT.

I turned to twitter first instead of the fc vid and it was filled with threads screaming "RYO IS LEAVING JOHNNY'S!!?" I looked up at my desktop screen trying to process that information and that second seemed like eternity. It felt like my entire world was crumbling down and I was stuck in this moment, unable to move forward or even take a step back while everyone else at their desk were either ferociously typing away or chattering with someone else. I saw them move their fingers and their mouths but I couldn't hear the deafening silence of the weight of what I just read.

Remember when Subaru left more than a year ago and that left such a huge hole in my life? Can you imagine this time round it's happening again only on a much larger scale because firstly, it's Nishikido Ryo (My Nishikido Ryo!!!), secondly, I literally just saw him three nights ago and even that FELT surreal how can this piece of new information be real too?? and thirdly, he promised he'll fill in for Subaru and be the one carrying Kanjani8 forward now that they're 6 yet he's leaving???

In a dazed state, I managed to get through work and a dinner with a friend but the moment I reached home, I broke down. I started thinking about how scary premonitions are - 1. I've never bought uchiwas other than kura's because I felt that it would be unfair if I were to buy someone else's but this year I HAD to get ryo's for some reason (+I really wanted the nishikiko uchiwa), 2. I wore K8's rock tee to work on Thursday just because I had so much K8 feels after seeing them and 3. I could tell my interest for K8 was slightly weaning because this year I was on a hiatus on so many things but I wouldn't ever miss their con no matter how much interest was lost when it comes to keeping up with their shows.

I started kicking myself in the shin for not being able to devote myself entirely to K8 ever since Subaru left. Hell, I didn't dare to devote myself because I wasn't able to get over the fact that he left the group and watching anything 7nin would hurt. Till that Thursday, I wasn't able to properly sit down and watch the last 7nin episodes of their variety shows because it stung so bad when I watched their last live 7nin kanjam.

Almost a year ago I went to their con in Taipei knowing that it'll be different with Subaru's departure. I mean who'll ever be able to fill that huge music gap be it in terms of band artistry, variety sense or vocal talents? But when I left that con that day, I knew they were going to make it big as 6. I knew they'll be alright as 6.

It's been about 20 days since the announcement and to be quite honest, Ryo's departure has encouraged me to face reality. I wouldn't go so far as to say this is a good thing that he did what he did but it has definitely impacted me in a good way. I've been hiding behind my own excuses - "Can't do x? It's ok, there's still tomorrow." or "There's always a next time, it's ok to not put in your 100% this time round."

Forever is such a intangible word. Sometimes a mere second can feel like forever while at times a lifetime can be forever. Your forever can last for a mere second or a lifetime and no one can ever guarantee or know how long forever lasts. Going through the same thing twice has left me broken and tattered but one thing's for sure - these battle scars will heal someday, not quite entirely nor prettily but it'll be ok. It won't be easy carrying these scars around but they're a constant reminder of what I had and they'll always be able to give me the courage to take the right step forward.

The future can be a scary thing but that's what that makes it so exciting. Twice the men I look up to have taught me it's never too late to start as long as you start. Twice they taught me to cherish and live every single moment as if they're my last. Twice they made me realise that it's ok to take two steps forward and a step back - you're not starting without experience. Twice I learnt that life has its own way of crashing into you but it's ok if you learn to ride with the waves.

So thank you K8, for constantly being my guiding stars. For I know I'll never stray with you guiding me.

xoxo,

Wendy